


ff #5:  Not Nothing, Not Something

by SouthernCross



Series: Road Trips and Resolutions [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 03:52:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1843330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthernCross/pseuds/SouthernCross
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing had changed in the words, the implications since the last eleven times she had watched it, except that it was worse so much worse with John there watching too, seeing the everything on her face and then the nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ff #5:  Not Nothing, Not Something

**Author's Note:**

> This was a flash fic prompt on tumblr. that got way out of hand and went in an angsty direction I never intended it to go, but I love it and hope you do too. I own nothing and mean no harm.

Felicity had not been kidding when she had once told Oliver that if it was on the internet she could find it, and wow that felt like such a long time ago, and to be honest she had not gone looking for the recording in particular. Piggybacking on the signal that had given Slade the feed into the mansion had been routine. A bug was something that needed to be taken seriously so she had gone digging, and really his firewalls had not been particularly creative or well good, and there it was.

Her finger had pressed the play button before she had even thought about what she was doing. 

And then she had pressed it again.

And again.

Again.

Rationally she knew what she was seeing was all a ruse, a ploy to bring a bad guy to his knees, but-

-and really it was all one big but lately. 

But she had thought he meant. 

But she hadn’t understood, not really, not until he was gone and she was alone and only pure luck had her looking at what was in her hand after she had turned away from the camera because, duh, a reveal like that would have defeated the purpose of the whole conversation. 

But she did love him.

But he didn’t love her.

But she had thought for one split second that he had.

But he did the unthinkable and risked her life for Laurel’s.

But he broke her heart.

But, but, but.

So she watched it again, and again, and again.

‘What is that?’

John’s voice had her jumping so far out of her skin her chair slid precariously out from under her, her fingers snapping away from the keyboard, caught red handed spying on herself.

‘Uh-‘

Before she could come up with an excuse or stop the playback he was leaning over her shoulder and restarting the video.

Nothing had changed in the words, the implications since the last eleven times she had watched it, except that it was worse so much worse with John there watching too, seeing the everything on her face and then the nothing.

‘Felicity-‘

-‘No,’

Pushing off the desk she rolled back enough that she could stand clear of John and that look on his face, the pain in his voice. He knew, of course he knew, knew probably before she had how she felt about Oliver. There was no way she could see the concern in his eyes or hear the pity in his voice.

‘Just no, he did what he had to do, that’s all.’

John’s jaw clenched. 

‘That’s not all.’

Felicity shook her head, ‘It’s nothing.’

‘It’s not nothing,’ he pointed furiously at the stilled frame. She was standing alone the foyer of the mansion, alone.

‘That’s not nothing,’ he insisted.

Of course it wasn’t nothing, if it was nothing than what she felt was nothing, and she wasn’t nothing. 

She took a deep breath, eyes closing, collecting her jumbled thoughts, ‘It’s not something though.’

What was left unsaid hung between them; it was something to her, everything to her, and less than that to him.

‘It’s not right.’ 

And she had to smile at her friend, so concerned about the right’s and wrong’s in this world. Pressing a hand to his arm she offered him the best smile she could before bending down to the keyboard. A few strokes and it was gone, sent to her private email, but gone from any other prying eyes.

‘Right and wrong don’t really matter in the face of doing what needs to be done.’

So maybe she did have something to say, but the platitude felt hollow.

‘It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.’

John sucked in a sharp breath next to her. The shock was wearing off and the pain and anger were swelling in her gut. She needed to get out of there, needed to be away.

‘I think I’m going to head out.’

Reaching for her purse she felt the hand on her arm and she froze.

‘Will you be back?’

The strap fell from her lifeless fingers the shock of the question only overshadowed by the lack of an immediate yes. He must have seen more of her devastation than she had thought she revealed if he was asking that. 

John pulled her into his arms holding her tight and she felt the weight of her discovery sink in.

How could she do this, face him now that the moment was out of the box she had tucked it into. Color and sound and she was already replaying it in her mind. 

She had thought he meant it.

One hundred percent thought he meant it. 

She was an idiot.

She was a dreamer.

She was hurt.

He had used her.

He had used her love to get back his love.

He had hurt her.

At that moment in that split second she could say she wished she had never met Oliver Queen.

And that just broke her heart even more, because she didn’t wish that, not really.

It was just so unfair, so wrong.

‘I might need a little time to work this out in my head.’

Her whisper was muffled, her throat was raw, and the sobs she hadn’t realized had broken free caught up to her all at once.

John murmured into her hair, assurances and promises, Felicity wasn’t sure what he was saying, what he could do, but she was just grateful in that moment that she wasn’t alone.

‘What do you need,’ he asked when she had pulled herself together to stand up straight.

What did she need? What did she want? Home was her first instinct, home meant ice cream and pillows and computers and she could watch it over and over; and no that wasn’t what she needed.

She needed to move, idleness would push her in front of a monitor and that wasn’t where she needed to be.

‘I need to not be here, it hurts right now to be here,’ his fingers flexed on her arms where he held her, she could see the love and concern in his eyes and felt fresh tears fight to fall.

Shaking her head she fought for a smile.

‘So I am not going to go home and wallow and obsess and get fat on ice cream.’

John gave her a half smile, ‘You’re not?’

A plan began to form, an idea, ‘No, I’m not.’ She told him what she wanted what she needed and while he resisted at first he conceded  
when he saw that she was absolutely determined to do this.

‘Fine, but there are conditions and rules, and you will follow them.’

Felicity nodded, touched by his concern. She moved to one of the storage closets where she kept her go-to bag and gym bag. Outfits and make-up, shoes, a few beat up paperback novels because one never knew when or where one might end up when living a double life.

Bags in hand she typed a few commands on the main terminal queuing up one of the contingency protocols she had installed a back-up for a back-up, one that would keep all current searches running and would strip down the software into more user friendly applications.

‘Ready,’ John took the bags from her. She forced herself to keep her eyes on his, on not looking back or around or at anything that might remind her even more of him.

‘Yes,’ no, but she didn’t stop her feet from moving forward. Her tablet she had powered off and tucked into a pocket of the gym bag, she eyed it as John put the bags into the back of the black SUV. She could have kept it with her in the front, would have been tempted to pull up file, to check on her searches, and that was exactly what she didn’t need.

Getting behind the wheel was a strange feeling, this was John’s ride, with his seat preference and his radio choices, and it warmed her that he was doing this for her.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered. He squeezed her hand and she knew she was doing the right thing.

‘Main roads until daylight, only national chain hotels, no gas stations with less than twelve pumps,’ she nodded knowing that he would be checking her purchases with the credit card he had handed her. A contingency protocol he had set-up had included new identities with nice shiny credit cards.

For the foreseeable future she wasn’t Felicity Smoak, she was Haven Bristol. She had smiled when he had handed her the license complimenting him on his forgery skills. She had refused the burner phone, she was going on a road trip, not undercover, but even that she had set to vibrate and left in her purse, any road side emergencies and she would hit the OnStar button like everyone else. 

‘He’s not going to understand.’

She worried at her bottom lip, her concern for Oliver rushing up; she began to second guess her plan.

‘Hey,’ she looked at John, standing in the open doorway. ‘That’s not on you. I’ll make him understand.’

Her mouth opened to protest but John simply pressed the keys in her hand.

‘Go drive, work it out in your way and whatever you choose to do, I’ll be here when you’re ready.’

Smiling she rolled the window down after he closed the door. 

‘I haven’t been on a road trip in ages, I used to go all the time after I got my license, when things were bad with my Mom I would just get in my beat up Camry and drive and then when things got too big at school I would take my not so beat up Accord and just get off campus.’

The words came out in a rush and the tension rolled off of her shoulders at John’s laugh. This was right, this was what she needed

‘Well I can’t wait to hear about those trips and this one when you get back and hey maybe the next one we’ll go together.’

Her heart swelled, she would love to go on a road trip with him. She told him so. 

As she pulled away she allowed herself one last glance in the rearview mirror and one lingering wish that one day she would take a runaway road trip with him before she put it all in a box and locked it away.

This was her adventure and she was not going to waste a minute of it.


End file.
